Ever just feel like FUCK THIS… I’M OUT!?

You too???

Day 300+ in a world of COVID-19 and I’m sick of everything… and damn near everybody too. I’m sitting here with Lillian and her dementia, laptop on my lap supposedly finishing homework (waiting for my brain to unfreeze), listening to the drip from a post-repair still-leaking ceiling, while my mind is swirling with a thousand things I need to be doing.

This can’t possibly be all there is.

I’m gonna write this blog post and reevaluate my plans after that. It’s 3:03 p.m. already. It was just 10 a.m. a half hour ago. Where does the time go when you’re sick and tired? Seems like it passes either too fast or too slow… nothing in between.

If I could run away from home, I WOULD. Far, far away… no phone, no kids, no roommate, no dog, no job, no dementia, no ties. Only the internet to occasionally stalk social media, like random posts, and play online games. Plenty of good food and drinks, some music to sing loud and offkey, access to my kindle books, and some art journaling supplies. THAT’S IT. I imagine sunshine, no cares, and clear thoughts. I’d eat, drink, and be merry AF.

An uncomplicated, stress-free life. I wonder if that exists because I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced it. Ever. As a child, my mom struggled and worked a lot to provide for my brother and me. My father was an alcoholic addict who beat her when he was around. I had a child as a teenager myself and he had medical problems that ultimately caused his death when he was 2 years old. On and on and on from one fucked up “thing” to the next and I’m tired. So damn tired I could puke just thinking about it all.

*sigh*

I said that I wanted to blog more often, but I certainly didn’t intend to make this my personal bitch-fest… yet here it is… and I have to giggle because my first thought is: it’s my party [blog] and I’ll cry [bitch] if I want to, so I am! Maybe it’s like my own self-therapy, no couch or therapist required.

I’ve heard trouble don’t last always…… maybe that’s true. I suppose we’ll see, but right now the home team is losing big. Guess it’s a glass half empty day. I’m gonna try to have something more upbeat to post next time. Pray for me, y’all.